lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
