Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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