I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
