how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
