Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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