I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
