A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Did I show you my penis last night?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
