I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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