ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
