I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
