Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This baby is an asshole
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
