you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
