I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
we're so committed to being not committed
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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