Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
