I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Randomize
