I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
