peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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