He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I came so hard my ears popped.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
