If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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