Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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