you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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