Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
