Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
