So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
