Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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