and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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