im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The air was thick with penises
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
