I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Randomize
