I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
