I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
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Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
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My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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