I never want to see another naked old woman again.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
