she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
