Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
