VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
