it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
