Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
