I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
