I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You don't make any sense
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