Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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