I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
