my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So many bounce houses so little time
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
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