I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
