apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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