im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
