As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He? As in you personified your dick?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
