Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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