So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
