nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
PANTIES FOUND
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
