we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm getting married
To pizza
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
