You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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