The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
