We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
