matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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