Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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